Fate of the Furious: Still fast, still stupid, still awesome

Culture Curmudgeon

Vin Diesel Vin Diesel as Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto

The “Fate of the Furious” is the bestest, greatest, loudest, stupidest, most awesomest action movie so far. How far? Very far. It beats out any Hollywood flick in terms of what those smart-ass critics call ‘pure escapism’ this year or last. It’s even better than “La La Land”. More like La La Lame, am I right?

Ahmad Coo is a producer and copy editor for the Global Business show on CGTN America. His analysis represents his views alone.Culture Curmudgeon Ahmad Coo

I watched it along with a bunch of people who you would expect to love Vin Diesel and fast cars — nerds, meatheads and some pretty ladies. We took turns for two hours shouting and pumping our fists during the most kickass parts of the movie. Thinking of it now, it didn’t really make much sense doing the things we did in the theater because we couldn’t really see or hear each other because the movie was that loud. Then again, lots of us didn’t watch the last eight FF movies for plot and character development. Pfff, “Manchester by the Sea”? More like Dumbchester by the Fleas, am I right?

The first “The Fast and the Furious” movie was more realistic than most. It was like those dumb drama action movies with two guys trying to figure out if they’re good or bad (I blame Martin Scorsese for that kinda action movie. It sucks). It wasted too much time on dialogue and Vin Diesel looking sad because he finds out he’s a really good guy who’s been forced to do bad things. But the director made up for it by destroying a lot of cars during the awesome car chase scenes. Also the flick confirmed my suspicions that police are bad drivers.

The newest film basically busted my brain out of its real world jail, made it eat a big bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups and forced it to chug a liter of Mountain Dew. I don’t think I’ve had this much fun in the movie theater since I was, like, 12.

I don’t remember much of the plot because I don’t like those things in action movies. I want my Hollywood blockbusters big, loud, dumb and full of…uh, explosions. The latest bad dude/dudette is Charlize Theron who plays some mysterious hacker named Cipher. And she’s really, really angry for some reason.

She’s so angry that she wants to launch a nuclear missile at something or someone. I don’t remember why but I think she wants a lot of people dead so she can teach the world a lesson about something.

To do that, Cipher comes up with a super duper complex plan that only super duper villains can come up with. It was so complex I think even her henchmen didn’t get it. To be honest, no one understood what she was trying to do — including everybody in the theater. I think the director didn’t get Cipher’s plan either. I’m like, ‘Damn, she has everything: she’s not just super hot, super blonde, and super evil, she’s also super smart!’

Also, did I tell you that Cipher has dreadlocks? I wanna write the director F. Gary Gray because I wanna know why it’s mostly bad guys/ladies that sport the hairstyle in movies (like those dudes in the “Friday” movies, “Marked for Death” and some of the badass “Die Hard” movies). I guess Charlize Theron’s nice, clean bob doesn’t look badass enough. To be honest, dreadlocks make her look extra super evil. Or maybe she wanted to be in a Das EFX music video, I don’t know. Either way, she’s dope.

Cipher wants to recruit Dominic Toretto or Dom (played by Vin Diesel) because he’s also a badass. I don’t know how she found out that Dom was a badass but she wants him to do a bunch of evil stuff to help her destroy the world because she’s angry. But he’s a good guy with principles like Captain America and loves his life with his girlfriend in Cuba, so he says: ‘Oh hell no lady!’

Charlize Theron, Vin Diesel

Charlize Theron (L) as Cipher and Vin Diesel (R) as Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto

Big mistake! Cipher has a trick up her sleeve and Dominic is forced to become evil like her, so evil that he betrays all his fast and furious crew. I was like, ‘Damn Dom, don’t do it, she’s evil!!!’

But he can’t resist, so he helps her steal a bunch of stuff she needs. I kinda wondered why she wanted a drag racer to do all the bad stuff because I thought James Bond would do a better job stealing stuff and killing people because he’s been doing it since the 1960s. But then again I think Dom is more of a badass than that old spy dude. Plus he drives so good. Also his muscles are so much bigger than that mean old British guy. USA! USA! USA!

Like I said, Dom betrays his crew and that breaks his girlfriend Letty’s heart (played by Michelle Rodriguez). But Letty, who’s also a damn good driver, knows Dom won’t betray his team for no good reason. She thinks he’s being blackmailed. I don’t wanna spoil it for the FF fans out there but we all know that Dom and his crew are going to work it out.

And it seems the crew keeps on getting in badder situations with every new FF movie. At first it was just a bunch of car thieves and drug dealers in the first few sequels. Now they fight super smart and super evil bad guys who happen to have the baddest and biggest cars and weapons.

Courtesy: Universal Pictures

If you haven’t seen the TV ads, the “Fate of the Furious” has Dom and crew fighting the biggest thing they’ve ever fought. It’s their super sports cars versus a big ass Russian nuclear submarine! I was like: “Damn, Cipher isn’t playing around!”

Not to spoil anything but Dom finally does right and they start kicking butt at the end of the movie. But I gotta say Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson who plays one of Dom’s crew members crushes it in this flick. He actually grabs a big ass torpedo fired from the sub and throws it at the bad guys! I mean, damn F. Gary Gray! Your directing is crazy! Crazy awesome, am I right?

But I was kinda bummed that Cipher got away at the end. But she’s so hot and super smart, Dom and those guys couldn’t get their payback. I thought: ‘Dang- I was sure she was going to get hers!’

All in all, I give this movie six stars out of five. It’s so awesome it broke my grading scale, along with my brain. Bring on “Fast and Furious” 9, 10, 11, etc. I hope they get to fight the Transformers and Godzilla next time. Peace ooooout.

Disclaimer: The review above was written in the spirit of fun and from the mindset of a testosterone-addled teenager with a vocabulary to match. Needless to say, all pretend analysis and critical thinking went down the toilet. Just like the movie, letting this review wash over you is the best way to enjoy it.

  • Hawkins Klan

    Still SUCKS bigtime